January 27, 2006

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

You must really love me then, hey? If you are wondering where I've been, well, I got a new iPod nano and I have been busy getting music that I want for it, and you wouldn't think that would be so complicated, but I don't have any music on my computer, so I have to rip or download everything, ugh! I am nothing if not obsessive, so pretty much everything else has gone to shit. Hehe.

Liam has learned the cutest thing. He claps. This all started because we were at my Weight Watchers meeting and at the beginning the leader gives out awards for people who have achieved certain milestones, and everyone claps for them. Everytime the group would clap, Liam would look all worried and look around trying to figure out where the sound was coming from so I decided to teach him about clapping. So now everytime he is happy about something I say Yaaaaaayyyyyy! and clap, encouraging him to join me. And we sing If You're Happy and You Know It. So when I sing, "if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands" and prompt him by taking a quick look at his hands he will clap. It is very cute and it dispels my worries about autism. He can obviously pick up on subtle social cues. I had no reason to think he might be autistic, just an irrational fear that I got into my head somehow - like worrying about him growing up to be a serial killer or a junkie. I also imagine him growing up to cure cancer or win a Nobel Peace Prize - it's all about balance I tell ya.

I have a dilemma that maybe someone can help me with. Steve goes out a couple of times a week with friends. This means that I take care of Liam all by myself a couple of nights a week - not a dilemma in itself, but I'm jealous and we agree that it's not fair. Steve has no problem returning the favour, I just have to figure out something that I can do once a week. Anyone interested in a standing dinner and/or movie date once a week? Or is there something going on once a week at night that you think I might enjoy? If you have any suggestions, let me know. I'm thinking about it too, but you know what they say about two heads...

Posted by leah at 02:26 PM | Comments (1)

January 10, 2006

Happy New Year!

Yeah, so I'm kinda behind. Life has had me a bit overwhelmed and that leaves me very unfocused. Ability to focus is essential for writing, hence, no writing. What's been going on, you ask? Well...

For starters, Steve has been incredibly stressed at work. When he finally comes home, he vents about it to me, which leaves me incredible stressed, so not a whole lot of fun. He is oftentimes the only adult conversation I have, so when the only conversation I get is always negative, my mood tends to take a nosedive. He seems to be through the worst of it and voila! Here I am posting again.

I have started Weight Watchers again. I like it cause I can eat whatever I want, it just gives me a sense of control and accountability with regard to what I put in my mouth. And it gives me an excuse to get out of the house too, which is great when you have a baby. I weigh in on Tuesdays, and I have decided to be brave and share with you all how it goes. So, last Tuesday I weighed in at 168.8 lbs, my pre-pregnancy weight was 144 lbs, and the goal I have in my head is 140 lbs. That may seem heavy for a 5'3" shorty like myself, but I'm pretty muscular and I look emaciated at 120, so 140 seems reasonable. I weigh in again this afternoon, so I'll let you know how it went tomorrow, Wednesday will be my WW Update day so you can see how it goes.

Another exciting event is that our very tight financial position is loosening up a bit and in addition to being able to save up for things like my school and a car and a new Widescreen HDTV, we are having a girl come in to clean our place for us every two weeks. We have found a very reasonable service to do the kitchen, bathroom and floors and I am SO STOKED! It means less stress for me, cause I'm not the best housekeeper - I'm very feast or famine in that department and this will keep us more consistent. I'll just have to do spot cleaning between visists and can focus on Liam without worrying about the kitchen floors that need to be mopped and the dust bunnies that are threatening to take form and eat us. Oh my god, I am so happy about this.

Liam is SO close to crawling. I have purchased all the babyproofing supplies and Steve and I need to get on that ASAP. He has also started swimming lessons and he is a superstar! No crying, just smiles and splashing and kicking and he is so cute. We are going on Saturday mornings so it can be Liam and Daddy time. I went to watch, but when the novelty of it wears off, I can use this as me time - mmmmmmmm.... time by myself, oh the decadence.

So, that's my quick State of the Homefront Address. Tune in a bit later for some cuteness, I can hear him waking up, so bye-bye. It's nice to be back.

Posted by leah at 10:39 AM | Comments (0)

December 16, 2005

Welcome to my anxiety attack

We are going to a party tonight. At night. With other adults. With NO CHILDREN. Without Liam. We have a babysitter coming over. I am very excited. And I am anxious to the point of hyperventilating. Parenthood is hard.

I am very excited to be going to a social engagement with Steve. Other than a couple of movies when parents were in town we haven't gone out since Liam was born. So this rocks. Jess and Guy are so great for agreeing to babysit for us. But at some point I need to relax and enjoy it, which, I hate to admit, is bloody unlikely.

Remember how I said that I worry and obsess? Well OH MY FREAKING GOD, I need to CALM DOWN (Thanks Jess, I know)! I have a hundred gajillion things running through my head that we need to tell Jess and Guy just in case. Like, he will probably wake at about 10pm and make noise, don't go into the room unless you like to listen to a screaming baby. If you just ignore his noises, he will fuss and squeal (but not outright cry) for about 15 minutes and then fall back to sleep. Like, here is the bottle I left you just in case and here's how you warm it and here is the baby bjorn if you need to take hime for a walk to calm him down and here's how you put it on and here are the gas masks in case there is an anthrax attack and... What? It could TOTALLY HAPPEN!

I know I am out of control. We are going to be gone for oh, maybe three hours. I am incredibly pathetic. I hope it gets better. I mean if I can't relax when leaving him with two caring, responsible, close friends how on earth am I ever going to entrust his care to a neighbourhood teenager? How could anyone entrust the care of their child to a teenager? What were those parents thinking in the eighties - leaving me alone with their child? Oh, for the love of God, Leah, PLEASE JUST STOP!

Don't worry, I'll be okay. I have a ridiculous amount of stuff to do today because with all the worrying, I got my days mixed up and somehow thought we were going out on Saturday and I am nowhere near ready for tonight. So that should take my mind off of things for the rest of the day. Sure it will.

You believe me, right?

Update: Just so we're clear, I am not worried that Liam will come to harm, I am worried that if he happens to wake up he will drive my closest friends crazy will all the screaming. And then, my biggest worry of all, I might have to come home early and give up the adult conversation and all of the intoxicating beverages. Yes, there it is, my real worry is I won't be able to get blasted and hurl in a random planter somewhere. Good times.

Posted by leah at 08:55 AM | Comments (2)

December 12, 2005

Quandary: Can Nice and Confident Coexist?

Over at DadCentric, they are talking about relational aggression and this statement made me shake my head:

Like all parents, I want my daughter to grow up to be both strong and generous without being ostracized, and want to be very careful that I’m teaching her to be successful in a productive—not destructive—way.

I would love that for everyone's children as well, I would also love world peace and to live in a utopian society, but it ain't gonna happen. On second thought utopia just sounds boring, I don't think I'd want that even if I could have it.

Am I jaded? Am I being too cynical? When did I lose my idealism? Probably in the 2nd grade when Leanne and Roxanne stopped being friends and I took Roxanne's side and we would walk around school saying mean things to Leanne and the few girls that took her side. I think we all learned really quick that it is much safer to be on the side slinging the barbs than defending against them. We also learned that other little girls can be really mean and there is safety in numbers. And thus began our reality in social cliques.

I have been on the shunned end and I have done the shunning. So how do you teach your child to be tolerant and respectful of others, but not so soft that they are a target? Really, you just have to do your best to teach them to be respectful of themselves and others and realize that you have little control over what goes on in the school yard. As much as you think you can protect your child from their peers, you just can't and you probably aren't going to remember just how awful it feels when it happens to you as a kid. That absolute dread every day when you wake up and realize you have to go to school and face another day of crap. *SHUDDER*

I know that boys come with a whole other set of challenges, but I gotta say, I'm a little relieved that I'm not going to have to deal with the whole Queen Bees and Wannabees girl thing. We can talk all we want about how it shouldn't be that way, and it shouldn't, but the reality is that it is, and all the wishing in the world isn't going to make it better for our kids.

I don't have any suggestions on how to fix the problem - I wish I did. I gotta say though, I'm all for school uniforms. It would take a lot of school pressure off for a lot of kids.

Posted by leah at 10:29 AM | Comments (0)

December 01, 2005

Because I like to make myself crazy - wanna join me?

Yesterday Liam got his 6 month shots. I was a bit nervous about it because usually Steve goes with me, but he had a scheduling conflict with work and therefore I had to go alone. It was fine - sure there was crying, but it was short-lived and totally manageable - maybe 5-10 minutes of intermittent crying and then he seemed to forget all about it. But I didn't.

I have a really productive post-immunization ritual. After each round of his shots (2, 4 & 6 months), I have gone home and dealt with a fussy baby all evening and then once he goes to sleep, I put on my MORON hat and start trolling the internet for immunization horror stories. I then start worrying that Liam hasn't made any noises while sleeping and convincing myself that something is wrong. He then wakes up in the morning totally happy and normal. You'd think that I would learn my lesson, but no, because I like to maintain my status as a masochistic CRAZY LADY. Life is just not as much fun without the crazy.

I might be getting a bit better, cause this morning I followed up my search for horror stories with some other-side-of-the-fence medical community information. Now I get a whole six months to forget my lessons learned and start the whole cycle again cause his next shots aren't due until he's a year.

So many of the controversial parenting issues are solved in our house by throwing my hands in the air and saying, "well I got, did, had, etc. X and I turned out okay". Hopefully I turned out okay BECAUSE OF my parent's choices and not IN SPITE OF them.

Posted by leah at 10:09 AM | Comments (3)

November 23, 2005

Ohboyohboyohboyohboy!

Man, am I ever tired. Not sleepy tired, but tired out from having to listen to squawky baby all day. I'm not sure what Liam's deal is, but ugh, my patience is officially tried. He hasn't napped for longer than 45 minutes today and that does not a happy baby make. Lucky me, Steve has hockey tonight, so no throwing the baby at him the minute he walks in the door and running for the hills - or the nearest bar.

His age is tough 'cause there's only so much you can do with someone who just stares at the ceiling. But as of today, he can sit for short periods of time by himself before toppling over. So, soon I will be able to play with him face to face or sit him down with some toys. And the cats better beware 'cause he's showing more and more interest in them. I can just see the cogs turning - his little brain trying to devise a way he can get a fistful of fur to pull on.

I went for a run last night and I don't have a lot of energy today - strange 'cause usually exercise makes me feel much better. This lack of energy leaves me pretty unmotivated and I'm kinda dragging my ass. Okay, wait a minute, you know how I said I'm not sleepy tired? I take that back.

Posted by leah at 04:53 PM | Comments (0)

November 22, 2005

Thankful for my Family

Since I became a mom I've read about and heard from other moms that parents and in-laws can be really annoying and intrusive regarding your parenting style. When I am witness to this type of conversation I just smile and nod and try to be understanding, but to be completely truthful I have no idea what that's like. I think that I can imagine what it's like, but like most things when it comes to parenting, I'm probably way off on how it makes you feel. Angry and inadequate come to mind.

I have somehow lucked out and my parents and inlaws are very accepting and for the most part have not voiced any opinions on how we should raise Liam. I don't do very well with people telling me what to do and I'm sure that is part of the reason that my mom doesn't insert her opinion into a situation unless I ask her. Growing up I'm sure she got tired of hearing from me, "I was going to do [insert random task], but now that you've told me to, I'm not going to." Like I was angry with her that now I couldn't do [said random task] because she'd mentioned it. I was an awful child.

I'm very glad that I don't feel like I have my family critiquing my every decision and I am grateful for their help and support when it is asked for. I guess I just felt like saying thanks today.

Posted by leah at 03:34 PM | Comments (0)

November 14, 2005

Sleeping Like a Baby

First off I gotta say, whoever coined the phrase sleeping like a baby in reference to sleeping well obviously has never had a baby. 'Cause it is the rare baby indeed that sleeps like the proverbial baby (Jocelyn). Having said that, I have some very happy news on the sleep front and I hope I am not tempting the gods to smite me in my cockiness by publishing it here, but I'm going to take my chances. If later I need to perform a blood sacrifice to get on track, so be it. I am willing to go to those lengths to brag about my baby on a public forum :)

Since we last talked about Liam's sleeping habits, or lack thereof, I started a new naptime routine with him that does not include the once beloved but more recently bemoaned swing. Rather than taking place in the living room, which in retrospect seems REALLY STUPID, we go up to his room, we dim the lights and he goes in the crib with his pacifier, I read him a story, then we turn on his Fisher Price Aquarium music (Thanks David!), turn off the lights and I nurse him to sleep.

We've been doing this for about a week now - 2 or 3 times a day for naps and then a longer bedtime routine that Steve does (except for the nursing part, sadly that is my domain only, but if there were a way that he could do this part, I would be ALL OVER IT!) - and, oh my god, the difference it is making in my day is so amazing! He knows what is expected of him when we go into his bedroom and he goes down for naps much easier and regular now. I don't dread naptime anymore because usually he is easy to get to sleep and occasionally he is hard to get to sleep rather than the other way around. And... AND...

He has suddenly slept through the night! THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW!!! Two of those nights for 11 hours straight! There are just not enough exclamation marks in the world to adequately describe the joyousness of this development. All the happy that has ever been has descended upon my house. ALL OF IT! I'm sorry that you can no longer have the happy, cause it is mine. Last night was only 9 hours 'cause he tried to wake up at 5am, but I'll take 9 once in a while - 9 kicks ass on 4. Yay for 9 hours - HELLA YAY for 11 - but yay for 9 too!

Now I know that "they" say that starting solids does not affect sleep or help a baby to sleep through the night, but I don't think that it is a coincidence that we started solids a few days before he started sleeping through the night. I suspected that my gigantic baby needed more than breastmilk to get him through the night, and though there is no way of knowing for sure, I think that it was a big part of reaching this milestone. "They" think that "they" have all the answers, but "they" don't know my baby like I do :P

Since I have flaunted our success, I now expect the gods to take away the sleep and therefore all the happy, but until that happens, I am basking in the glow of my good sleeper. Way to go Liam!

Posted by leah at 11:15 AM | Comments (3)

November 11, 2005

Ppppbbbbbbbbttttttttttttthhh!!!

For the last few weeks Liam's new trick is blowing raspberries. He greets me in the morning with raspberries, blows rice cereal raspberries at me at breakfast, blows them at his toys, stops while nursing to blow a couple my way. Always with the raspberries. It's very cute, but it makes for a lot of wet shirts.

And speaking of wet clothing, because he has discovered his feet and I insist on putting socks on him, he is often leaving a trail of soggy socks around the apartment. He'll go to play with his feet, discover his socks, pull them off and insert into his mouth. Frustrating when you want him to have dry socks, but also really cute.

In related news, Liam has learned how to roll over - consistently. I mean, he's rolled over now and again before, but now it is all the time and he doesn't need to pull on anything to get all the way over. Problem is he can't get back and he has never been a fan of being on his belly. I now spend a fair portion of the day rescueing him from the face-down position. I feel bad for him cause he is obviously excited with the new skill, but then once he does it he's like, "Hey cool. Wait a minute... Oh crap, now what? MOM!" This seems to happen now EVERY nap and I fully expect to be getting the call in the middle of the night. UGH!

Posted by leah at 10:23 AM | Comments (0)

November 01, 2005

For the love of God, GO TO SLEEP!

So, I've learned a tried and true parenting lesson. If at anytime you are feeling comfortable and in control and think "hey, I can do this." WATCH THE HELL OUT! Because the fiery pits of hell are surely around the corner. What brings me to this conclusion today of all days you ask?

Liam has decided that sleep is an unnecessary construct created by the parental class for his oppression. He wants none of it and he isn't interested in my explanations that it is a biological need. The little dude would happily drift off to sleep in his swing until a few weeks ago when he started getting fussy and it took progressively more work to get him to settle into sleep. Now it is just ridiculous. His eyes are little red slits that he is trying rub right out of the sockets and he constantly takes out his pacifier that sadly he cannot get to sleep without. He will then, instead of putting it back in, gnaw on the side of it all the while make this long gutteral groaning noise which seems to say, "why? why are you doing this to me again? make it stop." Right back at ya, dude, right back at you.

And he suddenly will not go back to sleep after feeding in the middle of the night. For a couple of weeks I was able to put him down and he would just settle back into sleep on his own. Now, as soon as his head hits the mattress his eyes spring open and all appendages head for his mouth. About half of the time I have been able to hold down his arms and legs and he would settle back into sleep, but last night all percentages were off. I had been up way too long with a very awake baby when I gave up and took him to bed with us - even then he furiously fought the sleep. I think he finally drifted off after about two hours - two hours at 3:30 in the morning means I was up from 3:30 - 5:30 am. I am often incredibly angry in the night these days. Angry with Liam for not going to sleep, angry with Steve for sleeping through Liam not sleeping, angry that Steve can still easily go out with friends and I can't cause my boobs are tethered to the child and then of course I'm angry with myself for being angry. It is a crazy cycle of anger.

I am not good at being angry. It comes out in bitchiness that I cannot control, yet am completely aware of. And I name it, but don't know what to do with it. I'll yell at Steve, "I'M ANGRY." To which he says, "I can tell." And we both sit there helplessly because neither of us are good at anger - any suggestions Dear Internet, about what to do with anger? I don't like it, I want none of it, yet still - there it is. Grrrr...

Oh yeah, sleep, I was talking about Liam and sleep. I know that it is time to start weaning Liam from the swing so that he is put down in his crib to go to sleep, but oh my god, the thought of the nightmare that is going to be makes me dread the coming weeks like the plague - no, more than the plague. I think I would take the festering plague over teaching a baby to sleep anyday. Those of you without children are right now saying, "Oh my god, stop with the drama already!" Those of you with children are thinking if only, if only we could choose the cute, peaceful plague.

I'm holding out hope that this sleep regression that we are currently going through is due to some impending developmental milestone that Liam is reaching - like tomorrow he'll start walking and the sleep will return to normal - well, return to being easier anyway. But I'm not holding my breath for that to happen, or for the plague either, as nice as that would be.

Posted by leah at 10:29 AM | Comments (2)

September 06, 2005

WARNING! Meltdown in 5, 4, 3...

I was sitting here on the couch reading dooce when I hear bleep-bloop. My cell phone communicating to the world, "my battery is low, if you want to continue to have me on but not actually use me, you better plug me in." My response to this sound was to check the display to make sure it was a Low Battery indicator and indeed it was, so I jumped up and plugged it in to get recharged. This got me thinking, wouldn't it be great if kids had a similar sound and display combo that warned you to stop what you are doing immediately and attend to whatever problem was indicated on their display? You just glance at the output - TIRED, STAGE 1, MELTDOWN IN 10 MIN. No having to try everything in your arsenal to figure out what it is that the baby wants. What would be even more great is if you could plug them in like a cell phone when they were tired rather than trying to coax them to sleep. But that might be asking for too much.

Posted by leah at 02:31 PM | Comments (0)

August 31, 2005

A Year from Now I'll be Ready

Today Liam and I went on an adventure to Langara College to sign him up for daycare for a year from now. 'Cause that's how prepared you have to be to be a parent. You have to know a year in advance what you might be doing so that you can get on a waitlist and HOPEFULLY get decent childcare. And, you get to pay $800 a freakin' month for it too. Luckily I will be able to get a student loan so that we can afford my going back to school.

And then I wonder if I'll be ready mentally to leave this little monster. Right now I couldn't imagine being away from him for 8 hours a days 5 days a week. Well, let's be honest, on a bad day I can definitely imagine being without him for that long :) but the reality of it is that I couldn't do it. Not only would I miss him terribly, but my guilt would certainly kill me and I would have all sorts of worst case scenarios playing in my head of what would happen to him without me there. Let's hope that is not the reaction I have a year from now when I drop him off at daycare.

Posted by leah at 03:25 PM | Comments (0)

August 28, 2005

Choices

I have now been a mom for 3 months. And I guess when I think back on it, really, it's been a blur. There are so many things in the beginning that you are learning and trying to just "not fuck up, please let me not totally wreck this kid" that your own identity is so low on the radar it doesn't register. Now that things are calming down and I feel like I can breathe, I'm starting to wonder, who the hell am I now? I mean, I know what I like and I am pretty self aware, but so much of your identity is wrapped up in your career, your lifestyle, your style of dress and your friends that now that I have a child I realize that all that stuff has changed. My relationship with the people and things around me have changed so fundamentally that it would be impossible to not feel like my identity had shifted.

At some of my lowest moments in the first days and weeks of Liam's life I was certain that my life was over and I no longer existed but for an extension of my son. Rationally I knew my despair was momentary - the baby's screaming, I haven't showered in ages, I'm ready to catch the next bus to Vegas and take my chances on the pole - one of those "what the hell have I done? my life is over" moments that only a new parent can truly appreciate. But now that Liam brings me more joy than he scares me and I have had the pleasure of spending time by myself I am faced with all the possibilities for my future and I am incredibly excited.

It's hard to explain, but I feel like everything is new and I get to choose who I want to be. I realize that that is the case at any time in your life, but right now, I have no career, my crazy partying days are over, long gone are my phat pants and I spend significantly less time hanging out with my childless friends. When I was in my twenties I thought that turning thirty would be the kiss of death - never did I think that it would end up being so exhilirating and full of promise. Bring it on!

Posted by leah at 05:50 PM | Comments (0)