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August 28, 2005
Choices
I have now been a mom for 3 months. And I guess when I think back on it, really, it's been a blur. There are so many things in the beginning that you are learning and trying to just "not fuck up, please let me not totally wreck this kid" that your own identity is so low on the radar it doesn't register. Now that things are calming down and I feel like I can breathe, I'm starting to wonder, who the hell am I now? I mean, I know what I like and I am pretty self aware, but so much of your identity is wrapped up in your career, your lifestyle, your style of dress and your friends that now that I have a child I realize that all that stuff has changed. My relationship with the people and things around me have changed so fundamentally that it would be impossible to not feel like my identity had shifted.
At some of my lowest moments in the first days and weeks of Liam's life I was certain that my life was over and I no longer existed but for an extension of my son. Rationally I knew my despair was momentary - the baby's screaming, I haven't showered in ages, I'm ready to catch the next bus to Vegas and take my chances on the pole - one of those "what the hell have I done? my life is over" moments that only a new parent can truly appreciate. But now that Liam brings me more joy than he scares me and I have had the pleasure of spending time by myself I am faced with all the possibilities for my future and I am incredibly excited.
It's hard to explain, but I feel like everything is new and I get to choose who I want to be. I realize that that is the case at any time in your life, but right now, I have no career, my crazy partying days are over, long gone are my phat pants and I spend significantly less time hanging out with my childless friends. When I was in my twenties I thought that turning thirty would be the kiss of death - never did I think that it would end up being so exhilirating and full of promise. Bring it on!
Posted by leah at August 28, 2005 05:50 PM